Doug Wilson Says a Man ‘Conquers’ a Woman Through the ‘Sexual Act’
In other words, however we try, the sexual act cannot be made into an egalitarian pleasuring party. A man penetrates, conquers, colonizes, plants. A woman receives, surrenders, accepts…True authority and true submission are therefore an erotic necessity.”1 — Doug Wilson
OPINION: However we try? Let’s try again. In addition to this unsettling description of the sexual act, I believe Doug is reading significantly more into a biological function than the Bible ever does. It is true, a man physically penetrates—but how do we get from that biological fact to teaching that a man “conquers” the woman and she “surrenders”? The quote above is found in Doug’s chapter on rape in Fidelity: How To Be a One-Woman Man. Rather than proving a contrast between rape and God’s design for sex, it seems like Doug believes sex is more akin to rape than the beautiful expression of love we find in Scripture (Genesis 2:24, Proverbs 5:18–19, Song of Solomon 2:16–17, 1 Corinthians 7:3–5).
Doug later states that men and women have “rape fantasies”2 because they are lacking the “true authority” and “true submission” in sex that God supposedly designed as an “erotic necessity.”3 And while Doug isn’t directly condoning rape or marital rape, it doesn’t take much to leap from this violent description of sex to a man believing that it is biblical to conquer his wife, even if she resists, assuring himself that deep down she wants to surrender and accept.4 And sadly, we have found this to be true here in Moscow, Idaho: We have met numerous women from Doug’s churches who have experienced forced, non-consensual sex with their husbands—marital rape—even when they were sick, recovering from childbirth, or various other awful scenarios in which the men assumed it was their right, and the women believed that they had no choice.5 They had little or no understanding of a wife’s right over her husband’s body and the biblical teaching that sex must be consensual, not something that can be demanded by a husband. The Bible teaches that the husband and wife possess equal authority when it comes to sex, in direct contrast to Doug’s teachings: “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” (1 Corinthians 7:4, ESV).
We have also heard of several separate CREC counseling sessions when the women were told that a man was allowed to rape his wife within marriage. And while Doug may officially oppose this horrendous application of his teachings in other places,6 many of his followers are simply taking his teachings to their logical conclusion, and we hold him accountable. Doug’s wife, Nancy, seems to fully understand the implications of his teachings when she writes, “a husband is never trespassing in his own garden, though he can be made to feel as though he is an intruder…Is your husband sure of a warm response when he approaches you sexually? Or does he have to prepare himself for a brush off?…do not withhold from him what God has commanded him to be satisfied with.”7
God, the author and creator of sex, describes the physical act as two that “become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Two become one. Not, one conquers the other. The Bible makes this clear: “He who loves his wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:28b, ESV). Husbands are forbidden to be “harsh” with their wives (Colossians 3:19). While we typically think of verbal harshness, this also includes any physical harshness. If we glean anything from the sexual act, it should be one of equality, not dominance. Sex is meant to be a physical manifestation of two becoming one, not a display of any sort of authority and submission. Marriage, and sex within marriage, is a picture of Jesus and the Church (Ephesians 5:32). Jesus does not conquer the Church or force her into submission, but rather he “nourishes” and “cherishes” the Church and showed his great love for the Church by giving himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25, 29).
Contrary to what Doug teaches, an “egalitarian pleasure party” is actually a significant part of what God designed within the sexual act. Even a cursory study into the reproductive organs of men and women reveals that both are equipped for pleasure. And if you read the Song of Solomon, you will find both the man and the woman pursue each other and find pleasure in each other. Equality is celebrated, as the woman says: “My beloved is mine, and I am his” (Song of Solomon 2:16a, ESV).
Doug’s teaching is not only unbiblical, it is extremely dangerous and toxic. When I spoke to Doug about this, he believed his quote was simply a biological description. But he failed to see how he had gone beyond biology and introduced a power dynamic that Scripture does not support. My prayer is that Doug would repent of his unbiblical view of sex and the marriage relationship and seek the forgiveness of all those who have been harmed through his teaching and counsel. And that Doug (and his wife, Nancy) would bear fruit with repentance by removing from publication or editing books like Fidelity and The Fruit of Her Hands to align with Scripture.
PERSONAL NOTE FROM CHRISTIANA WELLS: While Doug’s teachings regarding sex are damaging to every woman, they are particularly devastating for those of us who have experienced sexual trauma, whether as children or as adults. When my grandfather abused me as a young child, sex became evil, men became predators, my innocence was lost, my childhood ended, and my value was no longer defined by my imago Dei, but by my body, and its appeal to the lust and satisfaction of others. Through years of counseling and God’s abundant grace, I am slowly healing, but my physical relationship with my husband requires a tenderness and compassion that Doug does not seem to comprehend. If we were to implement his views, the emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual trauma would have catastrophic results. In addition to harming those of us who have been previously damaged by abuse, I believe that Doug’s teachings (and others like him) create an environment that inadvertently fosters abuse. My heart breaks for the many women (and men) who have been wounded by Doug’s dangerous teachings and I do believe that he will be held Divinely accountable.
Want More Context?
Here are some links to other blogs and podcasts dealing with this and other issues in more depth:
https://unlockingfemininity.wordpress.com/2012/07/24/2397/
https://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2012/07/marital-rape-doug-wilson-on-dominance-and-submission-in-the-marriage-bed.html
https://theocast.org/church-discernment-and-purity-culture/
https://bredenhof.ca/2023/07/03/doug-wilson-the-bad/
https://bredenhof.ca/2023/07/10/doug-wilson-the-ugly/
https://rachelgreenmiller.wordpress.com/2015/09/30/a-question-for-wilson-fans/
https://kaeleytrillerharms.substack.com/p/pastor-doug-wilson-above-reproach
https://thewartburgwatch.com/2013/04/05/doug-wilson-on-doing-the-dishes-and-discernment-blogs/
Footnotes
Footnotes
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Douglas Wilson, Fidelity: How to Be a One-Woman Man, Canon Press, 2012, p. 80–81, Kindle Edition. ↩
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Douglas Wilson, Fidelity: How to Be a One-Woman Man, Canon Press, 2012, p. 81, Kindle Edition. ↩
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Douglas Wilson, Fidelity: How to Be a One-Woman Man, Canon Press, 2012, p. 80–81, Kindle Edition. ↩
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“Men dream of being rapists, and women find themselves wistfully reading novels in which someone ravishes the ‘soon to be made willing’ heroine. Those who deny they have any need for water at all will soon find themselves lusting after polluted water, but water nonetheless.” Douglas Wilson, Fidelity: How to Be a One-Woman Man, Canon Press, 2012, p. 80, Kindle Edition. ↩
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While we have private testimonies from these women, you can also read public testimonies from other women as reported by Vice here: https://www.vice.com/en/article/m7ezwx/inside-the-church-that-preaches-wives-need-to-be-led-with-a-firm-hand and Slate here: https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/12/evangelical-church-doug-wilson-idaho-culture-war-no-quarter-november.html ↩
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One example is in Appendix A of Fidelity where Doug answers some questions; two relate to this subject:
“Must my wife have sex with me whenever I want it?
Don’t be a fathead.
It was a serious question.
Yes, she must have sex whenever you want it. And you must refrain whenever she wants to refrain. You have authority over her body, but never forget that she also has authority over your body.”
Douglas Wilson, Fidelity: How to Be a One-Woman Man, Canon Press, 2012, p. 143, Kindle Edition.
Yet even here Doug chooses to jest rather than take the question seriously, and I believe is not as clear as he could be in answering the actual question. ↩ -
To show she is speaking of sex, here is more context: “As a Christian woman begins to see herself as a garden, she can take a more eager interest in making it a lovely garden that her husband delights to spend time in… . A woman who cultivates this view will not be so quick to resent her husband’s sexual advances as instrusive … of course a husband is never trespassing in his own garden, though he can be made to feel as though he is an intruder… . Is your husband sure of a warm response when he approaches you sexually? Or does he have to prepare himself for a brush off? You are his wife. Your breasts are his to enjoy. Let him! Enjoy his enjoyment of them and do not withhold from him what God has commanded him to be satisfied with.” Nancy Wilson, The Fruit of Her Hands: Respect and the Christian Woman, Canon Press, 1997, pp. 88–91, Kindle Edition. ↩