Doug Wilson Says ‘Wives Need to be Led with a Firm Hand’

Wives Led With Firm Hand

“…wives need to be led with a firm hand. A wife will often test her husband in some area, and be deeply disappointed (and frustrated) if she wins. It is crucial that a husband give to his wife what the Bible says she needs, rather than what she says she needs.”¹ – Doug Wilson

OPINION: There are several alarming principles in this quote. Teaching that “wives need to be led with a firm hand,” is clearly contrary to Scripture: “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:19, ESV). The biblical pattern for husbands is gentleness—they are not to be harsh or firm. We are to love our wives, “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25, ESV). Jesus does not lead the Church with a firm hand, but rather with self-sacrifice. This is the example given for husbands to follow. Jesus said of himself: “…I am gentle and lowly in heart…” (Matthew 11:29, ESV). Peter even warns husbands that our prayers will be hindered if we do not live with our wives in an “understanding way” and if we fail to “honor” our wives as fellow “heirs” (1 Peter 3:7, ESV). A husband who leads his wife with a firm hand is not conforming to the clear teaching of Scripture and as Wes Bredenhof observes, “Abusers will always be at home in a world where ‘wives need to be led with a firm hand.’”² And sadly we have found this to be the case at Doug’s church, Christ Church, in Moscow, Idaho.³

Doug continues by elaborating on why he believes wives need to be led with a firm hand: “A wife will often test her husband in some area, and be deeply disappointed (and frustrated) if she wins.”⁴ Doug seems to make the dangerous assumption that wives are inherently manipulative, testing their husbands, while simultaneously desiring to be firmly told “No!”⁵ Are women like children, testing their boundaries?⁶ Where is Doug getting this teaching from? It is certainly not from the Bible. Such teaching demeans women and does not honor them as fellow heirs of grace. If a wife is testing her husband (or a husband is testing his wife) with a false pretense, perhaps there are deeper concerns that should be addressed. The solution is not either spouse “winning” but rather working through the heart issues so a harmful power dynamic does not continue. The Bible’s ideal for marriage is oneness, two people becoming one (Genesis 2:24). Not because one disappears and the other dominates, but because the two are united as one.

The quote ends with Doug teaching men a principle that I believe to be incredibly damaging and unbiblical: “It is crucial that a husband give to his wife what the Bible says she needs, rather than what she says she needs.”⁷ Again, Doug demeans women by generalizing that what the wife says she needs is not Scriptural and should therefore be ignored. He implies that ultimately wives do not possess the ability to biblically understand their own needs. He then gives men the authority to interpret Scripture as they see fit and enforce these beliefs on their wives without recourse.⁸ This is essentially a wife expressing “No,” and a husband demanding, “Yes, you must. And if you don’t, you are disobeying God because I know what God says and you don’t.” This is extremely dangerous, and can very easily lead to abuse: spiritual, emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Doug has advocated for this domineering dynamic in the sexual act as well (see article here). This is not biblical. Husbands should never assume they know the true needs of their wives better than their wives do (Proverbs 18:2; Philippians 2:3). Even if a wife says she needs something that a husband believes is contrary to Scripture (like him washing the dishes - see article here), why does Doug instruct husbands to force their biblical interpretation on their wives, instead of encouraging a respectful conversation between two fellow heirs of God (Romans 8:17; Galatians 6:1-2)? Doug is again advocating for a power dynamic that is not taught in Scripture. Should we not rather appeal to our wives as sisters in the Lord (1 Timothy 5:1–2)? Should we not desire that our wives would know Jesus so well, that they would also appeal to us as brothers when we are wrong? “And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them” (Luke 6:31, ESV). The Golden Rule is very applicable to the marriage relationship.

When I spoke to Doug about what he had written, he did not express any concerns with his teaching. My prayer is that the Lord will open Doug’s eyes to see that he is advocating for a marriage dynamic that is unbiblical and dangerous. And that he would seek forgiveness from all those who have been harmed through his teaching.