dougwilsonsays.com

Contending for the Faith in Moscow, Idaho

Doug Wilson Says ‘Wives Need to be Led with a Firm Hand’

| Opinion by Nathan Wells

Wives Led With Firm Hand


“…wives need to be led with a firm hand. A wife will often test her husband in some area, and be deeply disappointed (and frustrated) if she wins. It is crucial that a husband give to his wife what the Bible says she needs, rather than what she says she needs.”1 – Doug Wilson


OPINION: There are several alarming principles in this quote. Teaching that “wives need to be led with a firm hand,” is clearly contrary to Scripture: “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:19, ESV). The biblical pattern for husbands is gentleness—they are not to be harsh or firm. We are to love our wives, “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25, ESV). Jesus does not lead the Church with a firm hand, but rather with self-sacrifice. This is the example given for husbands to follow. Jesus said of himself: “…I am gentle and lowly in heart…” (Matthew 11:29, ESV). Peter even warns husbands that our prayers will be hindered if we do not live with our wives in an “understanding way” and if we fail to “honor” our wives as fellow “heirs” (1 Peter 3:7, ESV). A husband who leads his wife with a firm hand is not conforming to the clear teaching of Scripture and as Wes Bredenhof observes, “Abusers will always be at home in a world where ‘wives need to be led with a firm hand.’”2 And sadly we have found this to be the case at Doug’s church, Christ Church, in Moscow, Idaho.3

Doug continues by elaborating on why he believes wives need to be led with a firm hand: “A wife will often test her husband in some area, and be deeply disappointed (and frustrated) if she wins.”4 Doug seems to make the dangerous assumption that wives are inherently manipulative, testing their husbands, while simultaneously desiring to be firmly told “No!”5 Are women like children, testing their boundaries?6 Where is Doug getting this teaching from? It is certainly not from the Bible. Such teaching demeans women and does not honor them as fellow heirs of grace. If a wife is testing her husband (or a husband is testing his wife) with a false pretense, perhaps there are deeper concerns that should be addressed. The solution is not either spouse “winning” but rather working through the heart issues so a harmful power dynamic does not continue. The Bible’s ideal for marriage is oneness, two people becoming one (Genesis 2:24). Not because one disappears and the other dominates, but because the two are united as one.

The quote ends with Doug teaching men a principle that I believe to be incredibly damaging and unbiblical: “It is crucial that a husband give to his wife what the Bible says she needs, rather than what she says she needs.”7 Again, Doug demeans women by generalizing that what the wife says she needs is not Scriptural and should therefore be ignored. He implies that ultimately wives do not possess the ability to biblically understand their own needs. He then gives men the authority to interpret Scripture as they see fit and enforce these beliefs on their wives without recourse.8 This is essentially a wife expressing “No,” and a husband demanding, “Yes, you must. And if you don’t, you are disobeying God because I know what God says and you don’t.” This is extremely dangerous, and can very easily lead to abuse: spiritual, emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Doug has advocated for this domineering dynamic in the sexual act as well (see article here). This is not biblical. Husbands should never assume they know the true needs of their wives better than their wives do (Proverbs 18:2; Philippians 2:3). Even if a wife says she needs something that a husband believes is contrary to Scripture (like him washing the dishes - see article here), why does Doug instruct husbands to force their biblical interpretation on their wives, instead of encouraging a respectful conversation between two fellow heirs of God (Romans 8:17; Galatians 6:1-2)? Doug is again advocating for a power dynamic that is not taught in Scripture. Should we not rather appeal to our wives as sisters in the Lord (1 Timothy 5:1–2)? Should we not desire that our wives would know Jesus so well, that they would also appeal to us as brothers when we are wrong? “And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them” (Luke 6:31, ESV). The Golden Rule is very applicable to the marriage relationship.

When I spoke to Doug about what he had written, he did not express any concerns with his teaching. My prayer is that the Lord will open Doug’s eyes to see that he is advocating for a marriage dynamic that is unbiblical and dangerous. And that he would seek forgiveness from all those who have been harmed through his teaching.

Want More Context?

Here are some links to other blogs and podcasts dealing with this and other issues in more depth:

Kristie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZHieYZp_7o

Bekka: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYMYZqqYPNU

Jade: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aH8iiWAjNdM

Emilie: https://youtu.be/jTzgJlFuuZ0?si=1WxspaTpaVigna7U

https://theocast.org/church-discernment-and-purity-culture/

https://bredenhof.ca/2023/07/03/doug-wilson-the-bad/

https://bredenhof.ca/2023/07/10/doug-wilson-the-ugly/

https://rachelgreenmiller.wordpress.com/2015/09/30/a-question-for-wilson-fans/

https://kaeleytrillerharms.substack.com/p/pastor-doug-wilson-above-reproach

https://cryingoutforjustice.blog/2013/12/04/the-teaching-that-a-husbandfather-is-priest-to-his-family-is-unbiblical-and-promotes-abuse-part-3/

https://thewartburgwatch.com/2013/04/05/doug-wilson-on-doing-the-dishes-and-discernment-blogs/

Footnotes

Footnotes

  1. Douglas Wilson, Reforming Marriage, Canon Press, 1995, p. 82, Kindle Edition.

  2. https://bredenhof.ca/2023/07/10/doug-wilson-the-ugly/

  3. We know several of these abuse survivors personally and have heard their direct accounts and we have been informed of numerous others with similar stories. In addition you may view these publicly reported cases:
    Kristie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZHieYZp_7o
    Bekka: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYMYZqqYPNU
    Jade: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aH8iiWAjNdM
    Emilie: https://youtu.be/jTzgJlFuuZ0?si=1WxspaTpaVigna7U https://www.theamericanconservative.com/scandal-in-moscow/ https://web.archive.org/web/20210930223059/https://moscowid.net/communion-of-reformed-evangelical-churches-presiding-ministers-report-on-the-sitler-and-wight-sex-abuse-cases/ or at https://web.archive.org/web/20240127125210/https://www.christkirk.com/crec-presiding-ministers-report-2017/ https://youtu.be/ScXmvtGHHRo?si=-hFFEDUyFwmsqdon
    https://www.vice.com/en/article/m7ezwx/inside-the-church-that-preaches-wives-need-to-be-led-with-a-firm-hand?callback=in&code=MMIXMDY0OGITZMMYYS0ZZTVLLTLIODQTOWMWZMJJZMY2OTI0&state=df34ad7248c84144a7864856aeb5aadb and Chapter 17-19 in Sarah Stankorb. Disobedient Women: How a Small Group of Faithful Women Exposed Abuse, Brought Down Powerful Pastors, and Ignited an Evangelical Reckoning. United States, Worthy, 2023. https://web.archive.org/web/20230507061929/https://www.moscowid.net/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Analyzing-DWs-Response-to-Sitler-and-Wight-Cases.pdf https://www.theamericanconservative.com/doug-wilson-reluctant-response/ https://medium.com/excommunications/my-abuse-story-part-1-surviving-my-classical-christian-education-c9d22bea557b? https://countrymamalife.wixsite.com/countrymamalife-1/post/my-divorce https://dnews.com/local/former-moscow-resident-speaks-on-sexual-abuse-shaming-that-followed/article_6bd8bbee-1501-5b12-82ef-e02a0f348cb9.html

  4. Douglas Wilson, Reforming Marriage, Canon Press, 1995, p. 82, Kindle Edition.

  5. It seems even Doug’s own daughter, Rachel Jankovic, has been affected by his teaching in this area. During a podcast, she made light of an incident at her wedding reception when, after expressing to her new husband that she was feeling ill and did not want to eat the wedding cake, he then (in her own words) told her, “You’re gonna have to.” She described this event as a preview of “what a lot of our marriage life would be like.” https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/what-have-you/id1287267219?i=1000606338435, starting at timestamp 5:33

  6. This is not the only instance Doug seems to place women on the level of children: https://dougwilsonsays.com/blog/wife-rebels-call-elders/

  7. Douglas Wilson, Reforming Marriage, Canon Press, 1995, p. 82, Kindle Edition.

  8. Doug also teaches this dynamic as truth elsewhere: “And here is the difference between what a woman wants and what she says she wants. In the final weeks of your relationship, she explicitly told you that what she wanted from you was more sympathy, more sensitivity and more understanding. So you busied yourself with ginning up more sympathy, more sensitivity, and more understanding, all to no avail. So then she breaks up with you, and goes on to team up with a guy with half the sympathy, a quarter of the sensitivity, and no understanding. And there are you scratching your head. But she was not deliberately lying to you. She had been lied to, just as you have been lied to…there was a decided gap between what she said she wanted and what she actually wanted.” Douglas Wilson, Get the Girl: How to Be the Kind of Man the Kind of Woman You Want to Marry Would Want to Marry, Canon Press, 2022, p. 74, Kindle Edition.

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