Doug Wilson Says Your Future Husband Should Be ‘Aggressive Enough, and Well-Endowed Enough, to Satisfy You Sexually’

Future Husband Should Be Agressive and Well-Endowed

“He should be aggressive enough, and well-endowed enough, to satisfy you sexually.”¹ – Doug Wilson (A letter from “Uncle Douglas” to a fictitious niece)²

OPINION: This quote is from a fictitious letter from “Uncle Douglas” to his niece. As a woman, especially one who was sexually groomed and abused by an older male family member, I find it disturbing that a pastor (posing as an uncle) is giving such crude and inappropriate advice to a younger woman. While this letter purports to be addressed to a fake niece, it’s not much of a leap to guess that it’s directed toward actual young women, either within his family or his congregation, especially since the letter was published publicly on his blog. Regardless, I would argue that it is unacceptable for him to bequeath this “wisdom” on any young woman, fictitious or not. And while I do believe that Christians should seek to eliminate the puritanical stigma surrounding sex and recapture the beauty that God intended, I do not think a letter from an older uncle to a young niece is the proper approach. Doug even admits at the end of the letter that “your uncle is embarrassing you”³ (presumably with the sensual content), but he gives it to her anyway.

Disturbing context aside, Doug counsels his niece that her future husband “should be aggressive enough…to satisfy you sexually.”⁴ This reminds me of another unsettling quote: “A man penetrates, conquers, colonizes, plants. A woman receives, surrenders, accepts” (see article here). Synonyms for aggressive include: vicious, brutal and violent.⁵ He does mention aggressive enough, whatever that means, but regardless, it seems a far cry from advising that his niece find a gentle (Colossians 3:19), kind man who will selflessly love her as he loves his own body (Ephesians 5:28) and could, instead, inadvertently encourage a violent man into her bed. Sadly, yet unsurprisingly, we have heard several accounts of such abusive and aggressive men within Doug’s church, Christ Church, and other CREC churches.⁶

The second part of the advice is cringingly “He should be…well-endowed enough, to satisfy you sexually.”⁷ To fully clarify his meaning, he continues: “Because you and he are both Christians, this is not something you can ascertain directly. You are not supposed to ascertain it directly. The world thinks nothing of living together as sort of a test drive, thinking this provides ‘beforehand knowledge,’ but it actually doesn’t.”⁸ Why is Doug focusing on the physical size of a man’s sexual anatomy as an important prerequisite for a husband (in a letter to his “niece”!)? And how does she determine this information if not ascertained directly? (Doug later suggests that this knowledge can be deduced by observing testosterone-heavy activities, like football.)⁹ Scripture says nothing about the importance of finding a well-endowed man,¹⁰ so where is Doug getting his views on sex? He authoritatively pronounces his beliefs without biblical support (and one could argue, without scientific evidence). If a woman is looking for a man who will satisfy her sexually, I would argue that it is more about finding someone who encompasses the fruit of the Spirit, rather than someone who is anatomically blessed. Better to find a Spirit-filled man who is known for his “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23). This is a man who will bring the most sexual satisfaction, because he will be a godly man who will consider her needs and desires as much, if not more, than his own (Ephesians 5:28).

While I cannot know the intricacies of Doug’s heart, Scripture states: “for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45) and whether speaking through his blogs, his books, his podcasts or other platforms, Doug seems to be very comfortable talking about sex, to the extent that he (and his editors, including his wife “looking over [his] shoulder”)¹¹ doesn’t think twice about writing such an inappropriate letter to his “niece.” I find this lack of discernment and accountability concerning. 1 Timothy 5:2 admonishes: “Treat…younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.” The Greek word translated as “purity” is ἁγνείᾳ (hagneia), which means “the quality of moral purity…of a pure mind.”¹² It “is demanded especially of those who bear office in the community.”¹³ It seems to me that a letter from an uncle or pastor to his niece regarding the size of reproductive organs would not be considered treating a younger woman with purity. Titus 2:4 specifically admonishes older women to teach younger women, particularly regarding loving their husbands, which would logically include sex. Additionally, Ephesians encourages: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29).

Perhaps Doug truly believes his sex advice is wholesome, edifying, and beneficial to his niece, but I think most women would agree that such an encounter with an uncle would feel awkward and defiling. While I don’t believe that Doug is intending to come across as a creepy uncle, I do wonder why he discusses sex so openly (and crassly) with a younger female relation, without considering the inappropriateness of such a conversation. Such behavior could be perceived as sexual grooming, which is a common technique used by predators to gradually desensitize their victims and can include “Talking about sexual topics as part of ‘education.’”¹⁴ I am not saying that Doug is grooming young females in his family and congregation, but I do believe that he is playing with fire and that he needs to be more mindful of how he interacts with young women, fictitious or not. Not only as a trusted older man, but particularly as a pastor caring for his flock and as an example to other men in his community: “The overseer then must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, temperate,¹⁵ self-controlled, respectable…not violent, but gentle…” (1 Timothy 3:2–3, NET). Though his intentions toward this “niece” may indeed be pure (though foolish), I believe that he is still setting a dangerous example of inappropriate relations between an older man and a younger woman and grievously, there are several non-fiction stories of sexual grooming by older men with younger women, both in Doug’s church¹⁶ and his school Logos.¹⁷

My prayer is that Doug would reconsider his irreverent views of sex in light of Biblical truth, and realize that recommending aggression in the marriage bed could easily lead to abuse and that it is highly inappropriate for him, as a minister of Jesus Christ (and uncle), to speak so crudely to a young woman about a subject that God deems pure (Hebrews 13:4) and that he could inadvertently pave the way for other older men to harm younger women, if they follow his example.